Nina In New York: Bed Bug Torment

New York City has tried using the Internet, dogs and is now considering more warnings to help correct the city bed bug problem. (STAN HONDA/AFP/Getty Images)

This column originally ran on April 5, 2011. With resident columnist Nina Pajak on vacation for two weeks, were taking a look back at her most popular rants. __________________________

By Nina Pajak

I live in fear. The bed bugs. Are literally. Everywhere. Theyre in my bed, my furniture, my chair at work, the conference room. Theyre on that guy next to me on the subway, and that girl sitting over there. Hey, get away from me. Did you just touch me? I hope you didnt. Im sending you my dry cleaning bill.

I am tormented. Every night I lie awake, feeling the sheets for them, popping the covers up fast to surprise them as they launch their attack. I reach down to scratch my leg. Whats that bump? Oh man, its a bug! Oh wait, its a birthmark. But whats this I feel by my foot? Oh lord, its a bug! Oh wait, its a microbial speck of lint. Only, is it? No! Oh wait, yes.

Ive pretty much ceased shopping (an unexpected and positive side effect) and I inspect the seams of seat cushions in taxis (this, on the other hand, is generally inadvisable). Just thinking about them gives me hives, which I become convinced are bites, which gives birth to new hives, and so on and so forth. This cannot go on.

Related: CBSNewYorks Guide To Living In Americas Most Bed Bug-Infested City

Heres the thing: I dont actually have bed bugs. As far as I know, they are not now nor have ever been in my apartment. But they could be! I had a brush with them in a mistake of a hotel in Washington, D.C., and I managed to leave them there. But I feel like I just dodged a Nina-seeking missile. Did you ever see Final Destination? You cant cheat deathor bed bugs. Its only a matter of time.

Related: NYC Hotels: Where Not To Stay In The Big Apple

Each year, an epidemic is announced. And each, it gets worse.

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Nina In New York: Bed Bug Torment