Monthly Archives: May 2012

NEW YORK (AP) -- If you think you're a picky hotel guest, check out the pet peeves of Anthony Melchiorri, who critiques hotels for a living and hosts a new show called "Hotel Impossible" on the Travel Channel. Melchiorri is freaked out by dirty grout, hates Internet fees and always checks hotel rooms for something he almost can't bear to name.

On the show, which airs Monday nights (10 p.m. ET/PT), Melchiorri advises hotels on how to improve everything from facilities to service to decor with a goal of increasing sales. He's brought his in-your-face, can-do assessments to properties ranging from Gurney's, a historic beachfront inn in Montauk, N.Y., in the Hamptons, to a boutique hotel, The New Yorker, in Miami's artsy MiMo district. This week, he visits the Purple Orchid in California wine country.

Melchiorri has been in the hospitality business for 20 years and has helped reposition storied Manhattan hotels like the Plaza and the Algonquin. But he hasn't lost touch with what the average traveler experiences in those first few minutes in a hotel, and he shared that process with The Associated Press.

THE LOBBY: "When I walk into a hotel, I want the illusion that my stay is going to be perfect. I want to see the bellman greet me. I want to see that the paint isn't chipping. I want the front desk to engage me, treat me like a person, so that I know any problem I may have, they will take care of me. By the time I get to the elevator, I'm already starting to be comfortable."

BIGGEST FEAR: "As soon as I walk in the room, I put my luggage in the bathroom because that's the safest place away from any insects. I say insects because I don't even want to use the word. Now I inspect the bed. I'm looking at the seams of the mattress and headboard, end tables, the side of the bed. Let me be clear: Most hotels don't have bed bugs. I have never found a bed bug in a hotel. But I never put my luggage on the bed, ever. And once I realize there's nothing living in the bed, I look for a metal luggage rack and put my luggage on that." (Metal repels bed bugs; they prefer wood.)

THE ROUTINE: "I bolt the door to the room, and if there's an adjoining room, I check the door to make sure that room is locked. I cannot tell you how many times people have walked in on me. I also look in the shower, sink and tiles for dirty grout. I can't get in a shower with dirty grout, not even in my own house. It freaks me out. Then I open up the ironing board, I make sure it's functional, I look to see that there's no water in the iron and I put it in a corner of my room so it's ready to use. And then I unpack. ... I have a plastic liner from the drycleaners and I put that in the drawer first."

THE EXHALE: "Now that I know my room is clean, I can forget that I'm a germaphobe. I can forget that I didn't want to touch the remote control. If the hotel does its job, and gives me the illusion that it's perfect, then my defenses go down. But if there's a dirty hallway or a light bulb is out or an employee was rude to me, then my cootie-ometer is up."

PET PEEVES: Rooms that don't have enough electrical outlets; alarm clocks that go off at 4 a.m. because the maid didn't turn off the previous guest's setting; hotels that charge for Internet. "The Algonquin Hotel was famous for hosting a lot of writers. When Dorothy Parker was sitting there at the Algonquin Round Table, and she needed a pen, she got a pen for free. Today we write using the Internet. Why should I charge somebody for the Internet if I don't charge them for a pen?"

THE PHONE CALL: "I once implemented a policy at a hotel that every single guest be called by the front desk within 10 minutes of being in the room to make sure they didn't need anything. But then I started getting complaints from people. 'I just got in my room, I was in the bathroom, I thought my wife was calling! If I need you, I'll call you!' So I stopped the phone calls to guests."

NOTHING FANCY: "I really enjoy three-star, limited service hotels like Holiday Inn Express and small boutique hotels like Kimptons. You get your free Internet, your mini-mart, your free breakfast, the room has a beautiful mattress. It's everything I need. The service is not intrusive but a lot of times, I don't want to deal with anybody."

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Hotel pet peeves from host of 'Hotel Impossible'

New York City is using specifically trained beagles, like this one, in the battle to eradicate bed bugs. (Photo by STAN HONDA/AFP/Getty Images)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.______________________

Just the other day I passed an exterminators truck on 49th street and I thought to myself, where has all the hysterical bed bug coverage gone? A year ago, the sight of that vehicle would have sent me into itchyhyperventilation. Now, I barely flinch. And though part of that is due to intensive psychological rehabilitation, I cant help but make the connection that the more headlines there are announcing the bed bug invasion, the crazier I feel. So conversely, the news items I read on the subject, the less stressed I feel. Just thinking about this made me launch headfirst into a whirlpool of neurosis, unfortunately.

Are there fewer bed bugs now, all of a sudden, when every report last year claimed the problem was only going to get exponentially worse until finally the human race would become entirely consumed by bugs and slowly become them? No, that seemed unlikely! (I mean, the part about there being fewer bugs, not the other stuff. Im pretty sure that other stuff is exactly what the news people were saying.) Ive simply let my guard down. How sloppy and reckless of me! Or perhaps there was a winter lull and the summer season is about to ramp back up. Its about to start all over again. I need to resume vigilance.

More: NYCs Bed Bug Guide

Only now Ive come to find out that there really are fewer bed bugs in the city compared to last year. Or rather, there are fewerreports of bed bugs compared to last year. And fewer violations have been handed out. At least, according to the city, who feels their efforts to educate the public and hold landlords and business owners accountable are working. Natch. Also according to at least one exterminator, who attributed his decrease in calls to the fact that a lot of the hype has disappeared.

Ah. So, essentially, the number ofimaginarybed bug infestations has gone down. Well. I guess Im living proof of that.

NOTSOFAST says another exterminator interviewed for the piece. While the citys 311 hotline may be getting fewer calls, he certainly isnt and wants us to know that bed bugs are as active as ever! Its just that people are dealing privately rather than reporting their landlords to the city. Which on the one hand means landlords are taking better initiative and responsibility. On the other hand, this guy obviously has a stake in the general publics level of fear and paranoia staying at very healthy red alert levels. Imaginary emergency calls could be this guys bread and butter! Between me and my brother alone, the pest control industry made a pretty penny without having to do much heavy lifting at all. The dog sniffs a few times here, they lay a few gas bombs there, bibbidy bobbidy boo your fictitious bugs go poof.

So whom to believe? Im going to have to go with the city on this one, for purely self-preservation purposes. Id rather exterminate all of the hallucinated bed bugs from my brain. I think they were always more numerous than the real, live ones.

That being said, Im still not sure when Ill ever enter a movie theater in the city again. I mean, please. Lets not get carried away.

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Nina In New York: We’ve Won The War On Imaginary Bed Bugs